Thursday, September 24, 2009

Friday, September 18, 2009

Can Never Get Enough

Song parodies with Tecmo-based lyrics. Excellent. Many would be top contenders for FHSS Song of The Year.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Gucci Mane Does The Bartman


Diggin In The Crates

The very bottom of the crates, that is, for this atrocity. Every time I see one of Seagal's direct-to-DVD offerings, I am tempted to watch for comedic value, and every time, the movie is worse than I could have imagined. EVERY time. Yet I keep coming back.

Saw Undercover Brother this weekend and was pleasantly amused. It reminded me that the only other things I've seen Eddie Griffin in have been D-Big European Gig and the gem above.

"Hmm, we have Seagal. We gotta get this movie out for Romanian distribution in five minutes. Need a title. People?"
"Well, he's always looking for justice."
"He's out for justice, as it were?"
"And how."
"Is he for hire, like a mercenary for justice?"
"He already made 'Mercenary For Justice' (true story!)"
"This is a toughie. Who's he after in this one?"
"Black guys."
"Ah! So it's urban?"
"Um... I guess?"
"Boom! Urban Justice! Print it! Now, who knows Photoshop to put Seagal's head on some normal-sized guy's body? Just make it look reasonable from a couple feet away."

Thre director is "Don E. FauntLeRoy" (three capitals! Nice!), formerly, more normally, "Don Fauntleroy". His directorial efforts include three Seagal flicks and two entries in the Anaconda "franchise" (still?), so, um, there's that. BUT! Props 4 Life on being a cameraman (second unit) on T2.

Yeah, so, my point is, Eddie Griffin as a villain in an allegedly serious "action" movie. He and Seagal don't even fight! Not even with guns! HOW CAN THERE BE A SEAGAL MOVIE WHERE HE DOESN'T KILL THE FINAL BAD GUY!

Twelve thumbs down.

Outwit, Outplay, Outlast.

The tagline of Survivor, you say? Perhaps (htf is that show still on?), but more accurately, it describes the eternal workplace battle of Biz Versus The Firewall (starring, once again, David Spade as Biz).

I have nothing of import to post here, other than to say peep it, I'm posting here. Midday. Means I'm at work (but yes, Mr. Burns, hardly working). Meaning despite your best efforts, fired-wall, I have outlasted you. You are down! Back to Biznass!

The Review resumes publication as soon as Something You Need To Know crosses my screen.

Monday, June 15, 2009

I'm On The Equivalent of Several Boats

Props to the wide-angle lens that was able to take the accompanying picture.

For when one helipad is simply not enough.



Friday, May 29, 2009

Jose Canseco Goes Midget Bowling

No, but just thinking what it might take to surprise you nowadays as far as the more entertaining Bash Brother is concerned.

Last year he was knocked out by Vai Sikahema in a celebrity boxing match in Atlantic City. More recently:

Spotted on Vacay

Just another day at the ballpark.

No chitchat, no food (appears to be well-fed as it is), just intently watching the game and, apparently, waiting for solicitations.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


It's exactly what I do on my way home from work, no big deal, what's all the fuss.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Scrooge McDuck Update

It would appear I was taking money, taking money money money, while Uncle McDuck was straight makin money, makin money money money. Hard at work studying, the MZA put his biznass school knowledge to work as follows:

ravi: i think your calculations are wrong
by my estimates the scrooge vault is about 120 feet by 80 feet by 100 feet
for a volume of 960,000 cubic feet
10:56 PM just trying to figure out how many gold coins could fit in one cufoot
then multiply by volume
to get troy volume weight of gold
thn reduce to about 80 % capacity
and multiply that number by weight of gold to get net worth of just his gold
remember he had gems also
10:57 PM me: 80? I'd say no more than 50%
he had to dive in, after all
ravi: yeah
80% would mean that there was about 80 feet of gold (the vault is 10 stories high
assuming 10 feet per story
50% full would be a 50 fot dive
and cartoon duck or not he's dead doing that
10:58 PM this guy made a scale model of the money bin
money bin is actually 12 stories tall
but i'm taking away the offices and other infrastructure
so assuming that 960K is the right number for voluyme
10:59 PM how do we calc th amount of coins in it
or would take to fill it
11:00 PM let's also assume that all coins are 1/10 oz sizes
which is about a dime (since he did spit them)
(dont think he could spit a full oz coin which is the size of a half dollaar)
me: so 1 coin is worth about $100
11:01 PM ravi: ok
so a dime is .70 inches in diameter and approximately .053 thick
11:02 PM that would mean in a 1 inch height
you could get about 18 dimes
so 214 dimes stack up to a foot
sorry 225
11:03 PM so cubing it
11:04 PM wait so 225 dimes is one foot tall and .705 inches wide
11:05 PM which means you could fit 17 stacks in one row
and about 17 columns as well
so 17*17*225=total dimes in 1 cubic foot
65025 dimes in 1 cu foot
11:06 PM multiplied by the value of 65025 oz of gold which at today's rate is
me: i'm just using $1000 on the high end
11:09 PM ravi: ok so it's $65 025 000 per cubit foot
multiplied by 960000
11:10 PM and taking 80% gives $4.99392 × 10^13 rate
which is pretty obscene
11:11 PM or $4,993,920,000,000
but then again now we have to calculate it against what he paid for it
which given his ruthlessness is probably minimal
me: ha, he may have "discovered" a lot of it
11:12 PM ravi: but assuming it cost him 40%
it's a residual value of 2,996,352,000,000
and his tax rate is proably ridiculous
11:13 PM assume the govt takes 50%
he has a net worth of 1 498 176 000 000
11:14 PM in gold alone
11:17 PM me: that is nene
11:18 PM ravi: of HIGHLY liquid assets
i'll take my postulation/calculation of the year prize now kthx
11:23 PM i demand a correction on the review
me: i'll post it
11:25 PM well done
11:26 PM ravi: MBA money well spent
11:31 PM ravi: oh
it's actually one MORE zero
so gold of 14 trillion dollars
11:32 PM which is almost 3.8X the amount of gold EVER mined

Touche, Mr. Mackey, touche.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Tony LaRussa Said Something Clever Once

From Ron Darling's new book, after talking with his Oakland manager Tony LaRussa about problems at home:

Finally Tony said, "Listen to me. As a human being, I care. But as your manager, you've got to start winning some fucking games. This is ridiculous."

In the words of the Ladies Man:

Yes, that IS disgustin.

How can ANYONE like this
? Seems unfathomable.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Duckburg Is No Joke

I think Scrooge McDuck's vault is incredibly overvalued. Even estimating an ounce of gold at $1000 an ounce, he'd have to have at least 20 tons before we're talking real money. which, of course, is not to be confused with That Jerome James Money. Click below to see how real things could be.

Friday, May 15, 2009

X Gon Give It To Ya

X is out. Everybody wins.

I Can Barely Make A Layup

Want to do. But do not have patience to try. Click below.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


I can't argue with this. I simply cannot.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

In Defense of Skat Kat

Oh, har har, let's all have a good laugh at MC Skat Kat and his long-forgotten album The Adventures of MC Skat Kat And The Stray Mob.

Yo, f**k that noise. The album kicks ass. It is highly enjoyable, so shut your face. Plenty of other stuff to hate on, this is one thing that does not deserve it. It gets the party started, keeps the party going, and gets you home happy. Cop it. (Where? Um... from me, I guess. I can dub you a copy. On cassette.)

PS I challenge you to find another blog that features TWO posts about MC Skat Kat. Also, it's an excuse to post a foxy picture of my homegirl Paula. As Skat Kat might have said, rowr.

Friday, March 27, 2009


Why not? So what if he hasn't played in eight years? (Wait, EIGHT years? Hmmm.)

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I'll meet you at the spot, cuzn

A mighty strong choice of words for the sub-head.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My Man One Dog

Are you serious with that 1996 season? Is that Ichiro?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


From the 1989 Virginia Slims Tennis Championship at Madison Square Garden:

If only I knew then who and what I know now.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Perhaps Moshells Has This Mural

Some fantastic comments by Marswhawn "Beast Mode" Lynch.

I'm Just A Chef

Dovetailing nicely with Coachie Ballgames' pending nuptials, Nathan Rabin at The Onion puts up an entertaining deconstruction of one of Dalai Seagal's more absurd works.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Salty Snacks

I think I'd rather have good old-fashioned ketchup-flavored chips than this batch of oddities.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Just FYI

Inspectah Deck, he's like...he's like that dude that'll sit back and watch you play yourself and all that right? And see you sit there and know you lyin, and he'll take you to court after that, cuz he the Inspectah, and also he the Rebel INS.

Makin babies

An arrest warrant was issued by an Atlanta judge for ex-NBA player Jason Caffey for failing to pay over $200,000 in child support and legal fees to Lorunda Brown, mother of Caffey's 6-year-old son. Caffey played nine years in the NBA for the Chicago Bulls, Golden State Warriors, and Milwaukee Bucks. Jason Caffey's off-court activities seem to be just as productive as his on court ones, having produced 10 children by eight different women. Caffey filed for bankruptcy in October, but his case was rejected, therefore clearing the way for him to be sued for child support.

-10 kids with 8 women, vs. Travis Henry's seemingly unassailable record of 9 kids with 9 women. I gotta give this one to Henry based on his stellar track record of extracurriculars.

Caffey, by the way, made $30 MIL in the NBA. But is "bankrupt".

Monday, January 26, 2009

Sun Tzu and The Art of Quarterbacking

I have this book. Haven't looked at it in damn near 20 years, and I can only imagine that's a huge mistake on my part. Odds are it'd be a hell of a lot more amusing now than it was when I was 10 (obligatory flip-through and immediately put away).

Guess it's kinda hard to get. No, you can't have mine.

Friday, January 23, 2009

By popular demand, Slutshole Lane

Giggling like a titmouse.

Room to stretch your legs pt II

Prime Time Neon Deion's worthy companion to Shaq and MJs humble abodes. A small summer cottage, if you will. Be sure to zoom out for full effect.

Must be the money.

His style is impetuous

After you see Red Apples Falling, a new Tyson documentary.

Room to stretch your legs

Check out Michael Jordan's house, possibly rivaled only by Shaq's crib.

Perhaps they'd be interested in hosting our long-discussed indoor stickball facility?

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Portrait of the Schtee As A Young Dogg

"Hash anyone peeped the Youcantfademeagle? I've been sippin on this yac but I hear he rolls with a grip of drambuie..."


Man Always Attempts To Intercept Tossed Things
January 22, 2009 | Issue 45•04

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—According to sources at McNamara Advertising Inc., junior account executive Matthew Burns, 28, will attempt to catch or deflect any airborne item that enters his general vicinity and has an intended destination or recipient other than himself. "It doesn't matter what it is. I even saw him grab a used tissue out of the air before he realized what he had done," said office manager Karen Dunham, referring to Burns' habit of either batting away, snatching, or "alley-oop" slam-dunking pieces of garbage that have been tossed toward trash receptacles. "And he yells 'my house!' really loudly every time he does it. It's kind of getting out of hand." Burns was not available for comment, as he is recovering from an injury sustained after attempting to intercept an in-flight dart at a local bar.

That Jerome James Money

Man looks good in a suit.

UPDATE: Knicks C Jerome James is scheduled to have surgery to repair a ruptured right Achilles’ tendon Thursday. The injury occurred during practice Sunday.

Perhaps the Jerome James bailout started this whole financial mess.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Yeah you fat... in the stomach

For our NYU Broome Street friends, hot on the heels of Frownie's request for the freestyle sessions, an interview with Saafir about the backstory and the battle.

First time hearing this led to me finding Casual's album Fear Itself for 99 cents in Discorama (the late, lamented troo one by the West 4th St courts, not the one by Cornelia St) just moments before an anguished Aram. Score.

PS Souls of Mischief's 93 Til Infinity obtained recently near U of Maryland for a hot dollar. FYI.

Behind the scenes at the Review

Heads nationally inquire, "How did he find that?" Well, here is Exhibit A: a simple perusal of Bigg Snoop Dogg's IMDB page (various reasons) led to the discovery of a man I can only imagine is the French Mos Def.

Unless it's a chick. Who's not French.

This name is minutes on end of amusement.

It's no Urban Menace

A poor man's Choices? A homeless man's Baller Blockin? Jim Jones' Byrd Gang movie Red Apples Falling looks more like a dead man's Boss'n Up. Trailer below.

New balls please

In lieu of the golden bat- still held hostage in Astoria, mind you- I will take this as my championship prize.

Keeps the balls at optimum temperature. Sweet.

Where I can be found

Well, at least half of that is true at the moment.

It's about where ya at

Some interesting tidbits for Astoria croo AKA almost everyone.

Not mentioned in the piece: the aggravating walk from the Steinway R station to everywhere else. What's that, you say? The Q1-oh-something bus down Broadway? HA! Good luck with that, pal.

By the way, Forgotten NY is an excellent site, highly recommended.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Damn that Skat Kat.

He's all over my girl.

Alternatives to the Mets new sleeve patch

What does Bill Walton think of the patch?

Terrrrible! Just terrrrible!

An amusing take here.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Stop butchering the classics!

To: Bullet For My Valentine
Re: No Easy Way Out
Subject: Shut up, jerks.

How dare they.

The name deserves better.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Wisdom from the RZA

"Sound travels at 1180 feet per second. I've mastered sound. That's why my beats are so phat."- RZA, 1993

It's Stopped Raining

Fine work, sir.

What a cast!

Yes, I believe I will.

Swindle Tips

The Angry Whopper

Not literally... but sort of literally.

When you eat it, do you have to sit in the Angry Chair?

Monday, January 5, 2009

Who's Hungry?

Watch CBS Videos Online

What Stank So Good?

Have it your way indeed.


Call of the Ball Hawk

From JoeSportsFan:

Ed Reed a lot skinnier, darker than uncle Andy Reid
With much thanks to "THE BALL HAWK" Ed Reed, the Ravens forced five Miami turnovers, just eight less than the team had committed in 16 regular season games!!! Chad Pennington threw four picks (he had seven all season), one of which Reed returned for a touchdown. Reed has 11 touchdowns in his regular season career, which is equal to the number offensive touchdowns the Ravens scored during the Brian Billick era.The postseason version of Ed Reed, Asante Samuel, set an NFL record with his fourth postseason interception return for a touchdown, moving past Oakland's Willie Brown for first on the unwritten list. Unfortunately for Asante, he doesn't hawk balls like Ed Reed. Then again, who does? Ed Reed will hawk your balls.

The Jets DO need a QB next year...

Friday, January 2, 2009

Sad But True

Ditch the zero

Feel free to skip directly to the last stunning entry on this list:

Mssr. Wham Bam Van Damme

From wikipedia- JCVD is "known throughout the French-speaking world" for his "picturesque aphorisms" including:

You don't need a flash to photograph a rabbit that already has red eyes.••

If you work with a jackhammer during an earthquake, stop, otherwise you are working for nothing.••

If you phone a psychic and she doesn't answer the phone before it rings, hang up.••

My wife is not my best sexual partner, but she's good with the housework.••

Obviously I've taken drugs.••

When I walk across my living room from my chimney to my window, it takes me 10 seconds, but for a bird it takes one second, and for oxygen zero seconds!••

I am fascinated by air. If you remove the air from the sky, all the birds would fall to the ground. And all the planes, too.••

Air is beautiful, yet you cannot see it. It's soft, yet you cannot touch it. Air is a little like my brain.